a love letter to the sun

i was always outside as a young child, laying in the grass of my backyard no matter how many times my mother would tell me to come inside because i was going to get a rash (yes, i was that kid allergic to the grass.) i would run outside at the first sound on the rain hitting the roof, climb the trees in my local park and talk to the birds. i spoke to the sparrows in my backyard more than i talked to my parents.

and then i got sick. i was bedridden for months, mentally and physically weak, and as young as i was i didn’t understand why i couldn’t just get out of bed and go talk to my friends. my head didn’t understand why i was so sick, and it deeply upset me because, well, those were my friends! they needed me as much as i needed them. as i slowly got better, i could move my bedrest to a outside chair, and at least soak up a little sunlight, willing it to heal me as if i was the grass i was so allergic to.

slowly, i got better. it took time, lots of time under the open sky, soaking up as much light as my little body could get before it burned. i spent my days talking to my friends, reading them the books i had immersed myself in during the months i couldn’t leave the dark solitude of my room, those 4 blank walls looming over me like they wanted me out just as bad as i did.

i believe it was then sunlight that got me out of those dark days, healing me from the inside out as i healed from the horrors that had held my young, full of life, body captive for all those years. i seeked out the friendship of trees in those following months, feeling every odd and out of place, like i didn’t belong in my own body. i had beat my illness, but i believe it took a piece of me with it when it left.

i was stuck in the shell of who i once was, a bright, joyful, and adventurous child, now ridden with a permeant shortness of breath and low energy levels. i rarely left the safety of my own backyard, worried it would be too much for me to leave. there i became very familiar with the rustling of leaves on a cool spring morning as a chipmunk knocked on my window, eager for its easy-to-get breakfast, thanks to my pantry. i learned to be happy with what i had. a chair to sit in, a tree to climb on higher energy days, and my many nature books and internet access for the things i couldn’t get out of just my backyard.

i do believe it was the sunlight all those years ago that healed me over those long 2 years i couldn’t do more than open my window many mornings. she was always reaching in, covering my face like a loving mother would, willing me to get better and come back to her.

and for that, i say thank you.

once again, thank you for stopping by, this particular upload is about my love for nature while fighting with the difficulty of getting diagnosed with a chronic illness.

i truly hope you enjoyed, and i hope to see you back next time.

with the upmost care,

mad 🐞

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